1. Cats are all dicks. Every. Last. One. Even yours Sue. Of course they’re adorably sweet and cute and bring such joy to our lives, Blah, but fundamentally – they’re dicks in equal measure.
2. You will find yourself talking to your cat like it understands you and this will feel perfectly normal. You might even start throwing in the odd bit of baby talk.
3. You will spend your life opening your back/front door for your cat to stare outside or in whilst reconsidering their options. They will look up and judge you for never learning and being the numpty that keeps opening the door.
4. They will take every opportunity to trip you up. There’s probably a running bet within the feline community; every fall raises their feline status and entitles them to the best wall to sit on. Another demonstration of their dickery.
5. They will delight you with a tasty treat they’ve caught outside and you’re going to want to hope it’s dead or good luck catching it! Your cat will happily dump and run!
6. Any pride you take in your Christmas tree is over, it’s the cat’s tree now.
7. They will wipe their bum holes on your floor. And if you’ve got carpet, you won’t even know where the bum trail has been left.
8. Your presence will be snubbed on a daily basis, your home is the cats home and you are a mere petting guest there to provide an all inclusive service.
9. Affection shall be on their terms and their terms only, brace yourself. If they don’t want your love, they will unceremoniously let you know.
10. You will find yourself prepared to starve and/or dehydrate so as not to wake your peaceful pet from their slumber in your lap!
